FEAR IS A LIE

I have been in an emotional funk all weekend feeling vulnerable and weak and exposed and I hate it. I was talking with T after kickboxing and he very gently brought up the idea of me getting on the floor next week to do some of my exercises. Up until this point I have been doing my burpees and pushups on the wall. It has been easiest on my back and I think we both have been concerned about my ability to get up and down off the ground. Well, let me rephrase that. I have been concerned and doubtful. T, says he knows I can do it and I have formed a mental block that I have yet to allow myself to over come. I don’t think he realizes that the last time I was on the ground was when I fell in January and that was not the most pleasant or confidence building experience.

Sunday I sent T a message basically telling him I was probably going to be an emotional jackass all week and I was on the verge of throwing a temper tantrum because I did not want to face getting on the floor and I had my mind made up that it was going to be awful. I proceeded to tell him that I hate to feel weak. I have had to be strong my entire life for everyone in my life. I do not know how to handle being vulnerable or weak. It is easy for me to break down behind closed doors but when I open that door I walk out stoic and you will never know anything was wrong.That has been my entire life. I kept equating my resistance with physical weakness. What he told me next surprised me and made me take a long hard look at myself. He told me that when he looks at training me he doesn’t see my weakness as a physical one. Anything that is stopping me is in my mind and he knows I can do something before I know that I can. Talk about eye opening. If I say I can or I say I can’t I am correct…and I have been saying I can’t. That night I went to bed and meditated and told myself I would wake up with a better attitude about the challenge.

Monday came and went and he did not put me on the ground. I have to admit I was relieved. Even though I knew I did not get a total reprieve I was somewhat relieved that I had more time to gather myself and my strength. The rest of the week passed with no mention of the floor and I began to think he changed his mind. Then today at the end of our workout I heard “Ok Jaz…you know what’s next.” At first I was a tad perplexed…I had actually forgotten myself. Then I got the look and I knew. The challenge 10 push-ups on my knees at an incline. I will admit I was on the verge of tears but I held it in and got on the floor. It wasn’t as difficult as I had imagined to get down. But I already knew the embarrassing part was not going to be getting down but getting up. I took a deep breath and finished my 10 push-ups while Stephanie (my workout partner) and T were cheering my effort but I wasn’t happy because I knew the hard part was next…getting up ugh. I tried to get up as fast as I could because I wanted to be “on display” for as short a period of time as possible. To my surprise I got up with ease and the must difficult part of the entire experience was the story I fed my mind about how horrible it was going to be.

I walked away today feeling stronger, more confident, a little wiser, and a tad bit foolish. It reminds me of something I was told when I was a child. Sometimes to get better you have to get worse first. I had to have that emotional break to get over the mental block and tackle a physical challenge that I was capable of doing the entire time. I have come farther than I realized and my mind just needs to catch up.